You Want Chickens? Petition the King

Waterloo Tries Freedom for a Change

The city of Waterloo made history last month when the city's Council voted 6-1 in favor of allowing its subjects to exercise control over their rightfully owned private property. In a country where people's rights to life, liberty, and property are more guidelines than hard-and-fast rules, this watershed decision has made these the law of the land! No longer are the residents of Waterloo mere feudal tenants serving at the pleasure of the King; they are now the peers of the anointed, equally vested with the blessings and burdens of self-government.

Yes, the wisdom of the Council in this regard is palpable, Nay! downright undeniable when one understands the careful consideration made, and the scrutinizing care given to this issue, by those esteemed Councilmembers.

The Council has Heard your Cries

After some uppity tenants had complained about the pittance of their wages and their inability to afford what are known as "Chicken eggs" (a staple of the lower-class diet), the Council approved an eminently Liberal measure to restore order and sate their hunger (an act of Grace, no doubt, even Charlemagne would applaud).

Specifically, the Council not only permitted the presence of chickens in the rear portion of tenants' lots, but extended this privilege to six subjects! Given the realm is entrusted with the care of more than 3,600 chris-tian souls, the magnitude of this initiative will cover more than .16% of the population! Praise be to the Council!

In addition, the Council's order did not limit itself to permitting naught but one lonely chicken per lot, but as many as four chickens! On a single parcel! Oh, how the masses will flourish...

A Healthy Disagreement

Now, far be it for these Councilmen to adjudge such a pertinent issue haphazardly. The deliberative process was contemplative and calculating, and reports from the Court's record-keeper indicate that these efforts were not without their fruits.

In fact, rather than the Council yielding to that uncritical and idolatrous doctrine of Laissez-faire advanced by a remote group of French intelligentsia, the Council thought it meet to curtail the unbridled instincts of the unwashed masses. Indeed, the Council determined that such an ordinance as would allow chickens to be housed at subjects' dwellings must be tempered by an acute dose of reason...

• As was resolved by the Council, this ordinance shall last not more than two years;
• The six subjects participating in the program must donate $50 to the realm's coffers for the privilege of participating;
• Subjects must notify their neighbors of the inconvenience they will suffer due to the residence of chickens on property that is not their own;
• Those fowl so residing must be housed in coops to be constructed and maintained at the subjects' expense;
• And those coops must be at least 10 feet from the boundary of a parcel, and 25 feet from the dwellings of neighbors.

As was said before, this resolution was not without debate. With passion and with force, Alderman Tim Thomas argued that the location of these coops be at least 15 feet from a parcel's boundary, not the resolved 10 feet. Still, while the determination of the Council to permit the limited housing of chickens on privately owned property is no doubt well-reasoned and highly prudent, let us hope that the failure to adopt Alderman Thomas's regulation is not a harbinger of the program's failure, or the destruction of the realm.

God forbid that 5 feet make a difference!